The Human Sacrifice Call Center/Transcript

(Black Beanie with Glasses Guy picks up the phone)

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Hello.

Anthony Telemarketer: Hi there, hello sure, how, how you're doing on this fine day?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: I'm, I'm all right, can I ask who's calling?

Anthony Telemarketer: My name is Anthony Telemarketer. I'm calling to see if you're be interested in being a, human sacrifice with us today.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: OH....my god, what?

Anthony Telemarketer: My name is Anthony Telemarketer.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Yeah no no no, I got that part.

Anthony Telemarketer: Right, sir. I work for an organization that tries to identify people that might be interested in being sacrificed in the name of Zordon.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: I don't, I don't think I want, what, what are you taking about?

Anthony Telemarketer: Well, see our one true lord, Zordon, he really frickin' likes human sacrifices, so we're just making the rounds here, seeing who's interested.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Zordon, like the big bald head guy from Power Rangers?

Anthony Telemarketer: Yeah, the big bald head guy from Power Rangers, turns out he's our true lord and savior and we would just love to keep him satiated, can I sign you up?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Listen, my cat and I were about to sit down for dinner and I don't, I don't believe in Zordon. That's a, that's a fictional character.

Anthony Telemarketer: Well, sir. That's what great about this offer is that you don't actually have to believe in him personally, so long as you agree to be sacrificed in his name. Now, now, now are you a virgin?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Okay, that is extremely personal.

Anthony Telemarketer: Alright, i'm just gonna write yes.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Don't write anything. What is, what is sacrificing people even supposed to accomplish?

Anthony Telemarketer: Well, sir, if you've noticed it hasn't rained in quite some time.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Yeah, I mean, I mean I guess.

Anthony Telemarketer: So, you know, that's what we're working towards.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Okay that's, how, how how do you even think that's gonna work?

Anthony Telemarketer: Well, I mean when it starts to rain, we'll know we have enough sacrifices.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Can't really argue with that I guess. So how many people are in the Zordon cult of yours?

Anthony Telemarketer: Oh, it's not a cult, sir. We have six billion members accounting.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Oh my g- what! Why have I not heard about this?

Anthony Telemarketer: Well, lemme ask you something. Do you have cable.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: No, I got Netflix. I just do Netflix.

Anthony Telemarketer: Right. So this is what's been going on on cable.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Really?

Anthony Telemarketer: Right, and the rest is just been pretty much word-of-mouth. Have you had a conversation with anyone recently?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Convers- I mean yeah, no, of course I have.

Anthony Telemarketer: Other than the cat?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Oh, no.

Anthony Telemarketer: Right, okay, so it definitely sounds like you're a great candidate. Can I go ahead and pencil you in?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: No, I don't, wha- I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. So all these people decided they just, they believed in Zordon now?

Anthony Telemarketer: That's right, yeah.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: And you're being paid money to call people and try to get them to sacrifice themselves.

Anthony Telemarketer: Actually, we decided that money's not a thing we believe in anymore, so, so that's all done.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: What.

Anthony Telemarketer: Yeah, money's just paper now, we decided.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Okay, but no. I don't, you can't just start believing in some things and stop believing in other things. That's not how it is, that's not anything.

Anthony Telemarketer: Sure, if you have enough people on board and they all decided that money's not worth anything anymore, then it's not worth anything anymore. It was pretty much just imaginary to begin with.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: No, Zordon is imaginary. Money is very, very real.

Anthony Telemarketer: It's real paper. Yeah for sure, but you can't use it to buy anything if no one thinks it's worth anything. That is how it works.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: So I'm just stuck with a bunch of, worthless paper.

Anthony Telemarketer: No, I wouldn't say it's worthless. It can have a lot of value to you, personally. If you like having tiny pictures of old dead politicians with numbers next to their heads.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: I don't?

Anthony Telemarketer: So, yeah, no, it is worthless.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Wow.

Anthony Telemarketer: Yeah, hail Zordon.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: So, this isn't just like a North America thing, like I can't move...

Anthony Telemarketer: Oh, no, we actually stopped believing in that too.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: You stopped believing in North America?

Anthony Telemarketer: Yeah just countries in general. It turns out a lot of stuff we thought was important just kind of stops existing when a lot of people stopped believing it exists.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: You can't tell me that Canada doesn't exist. I'm in Canada right now.

Anthony Telemarketer: Do me a favor, put Canada on the phone.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: What I can't put Canada on the phone, Canada's like a conti- Oh my god.

Anthony Telemarketer: Yeah, so that's done.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Okay, this is a lot. When did this happen?

Anthony Telemarketer: Well well well, what day are we, a Thursday?

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: So Thursdays are still the thing?

Anthony Telemarketer: What, of course Thursdays still a thing!

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Well, I don't know?

Anthony Telemarketer: You fuckin' idiot.

Anthony Telemarketer: Okay sir, I'm gonna go ahead and get the paperwork started. Get the, get the ball rolling on this sacrifice thing, alright.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Well I, hold on, I didn't agree.

Anthony Telemarketer: Well, if you sign up in the next ten minutes, I could get you same-day sacrifice.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Oh same day? That's actually pretty good.

Anthony Telemarketer: I'll send someone over right away. Thank you, sir.

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Okay, thanks. Bye.

(Black Beanie with Glasses Guy ends call)

Black Beanie with Glasses Guy: Oh wait no, no, no!

(The episode ends)

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